203 | Gift Guide for Jesus

December 8, 2011
Thursday, 3:00 p.m.
Letter #203: Gift Guide for Jesus


Dear Family,

Don’t you just love this time of year? Everything is crisp and bright and festive (at least that’s how I remember it).

I’m a big marketing junkie, but even I can get sick of the way consumerism has nearly completely “consumed” this supposed celebration of our Savior’s birth. We’ve taken the symbolic gift-giving to an extreme, becoming “wrapped up” in the tradition of it all.

It was so much simpler that first Christmas, I imagine. The wise men didn’t have Gift Guides, Layaway Plans, Year-End Sales Events, or Suggested Items online—“Those who purchased Frankincense also purchased Nike Air Sandals”—they just brought gifts appropriate for a king, then arrived two years after Christ’s birth. (Lesson: late + expensive gifts = fashionably late.) These gifts, both with a symbolic and practical purpose, were perfect for the needs of a young family. (And who wouldn’t want a pile of gold for their birthday? Besides, it probably didn’t come with a gift receipt for hassle-free exchanging.)

So, if you were living as one of Jesus’ disciples or one of His closest friends, and you wanted to get Him something practical or useful for His big day, what would you choose? You know that gold made for a nice gift, but it’s a bit pricey today, and a gag gift of gold-coin-chocolates isn’t the best idea. Well, never fear. To aid you in your gift-giving, I have curated the finest gifts available today and present them to you for your perusal. Remember that when giving to God, it’s the thought that counts, since He already knows what you’ll be getting for Him anyway. So, happy shopping!

  1. Rolex Explorer II – For someone who isn’t constrained by time, a wristwatch may be the perfect accessory while living on this terrestrial ball, especially for those early-morning rendezvous with His Father. And, when at home, this particular timepiece is essential: it features a 24-hour dial with a 24-hour hand, easily distinguishing between A.M. and P.M. for those who live in places where there is no night, like Heaven. – $3500
  2. Matuse Tumo 543MM Wetsuit – Made of environmentally-friendly limestone-based material, this durable wetsuit is perfect to have on hand when inviting friends to walk on the water with you. – $550
  3. Charity Water – You can’t be the Living Water like Him, but He made it fairly clear that you can certainly give a cup of cold water in His Name. This provides water for a family of five. Jesus gets a warm-‘n-fuzzy card. – $100/mo.
  4. Craftsman Portable Ladder – You never know when having a ladder may just come in hand: rescuing short people from trees, lame people from roof-tops, or just being the first carpenter in Nazareth to own one. – $200
  5. Panera Bread Gift Certificate – The Bread of Life has physical needs while here on Earth, and Panera makes it old-school, fresh daily, just as He taught us to pray. Plus, this thoughtful—and generous!—gift will ensure that the next group of 5000 can be fed, even if the little boy doesn’t share his lunch. – $25,000
  6. XORBEE Xcaliber Stuffed Sack Furniture – The ultimate in comfort, this beautifully soft six-foot round pillow is perfect for going up on mountainsides to sit down and teach multitudes—in comfortable micro-suede! Having dinner with close associates? Recline on one of these in style and no worries, since the covers are removable and washable. Made by Christians too! – $300
  7. Your Heart – Whether or not He has this already, I’m not sure, but you probably know. Individually selected and presented, it makes for a very nice unique gift idea, like my good friend Ed gave Jesus two birthdays ago. Even if you’ve given it to Him before, presenting it again is always welcome. Not only does giving this gift bring you into God’s family, it comes with forgiveness of sins and a mansion. You can’t beat the price. – Free